mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
