I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
