The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
