WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
