this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
