when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
