the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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