I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
