I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
