Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
