Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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