Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
