theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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