Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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