1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
