You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
honey bunches of taint.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
