im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
