You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
