Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
