Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
