i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
