Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
