It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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