Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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