I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
