Did you just see the Batmobile???
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
