We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
