My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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