I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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