Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
