Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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