I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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