He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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