thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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