Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
