So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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