I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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