I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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