Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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