i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Two words: nipple clamps
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