so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
