I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
