I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's never too late to be topless.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
