you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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