mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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