You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Come share oat with me in your robe
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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