so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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