Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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