finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
