Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
