No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
