Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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