Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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