I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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