She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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