Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
