im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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