I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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