My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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