She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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