new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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