she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
